Alan Ameche League – 2000 Vegas Odds
Odds to Win: 4-5
Odds to finish in the Money: 1-5
Signature Player: Jeff
Garcia. Calling him the “poor man’s
Kurt Warner” isn’t the half of it. So
he can’t win in the real world. Like,
when did that ever matter?
Todd A’s Specials
Odds to Win: Even
Odds to Finish in the Money: 1-2
Signature Players: Trent Green/Randall Cunningham. Anybody can draft Peyton Manning and sign Randy Moss; but it’s drafting guys like Cunningham and Green to “fill in the gaps” that win championships.
Odds to Win: 5-1
Odds to Finish in the Money: 7-3
Signature Player: Ron Dayne. It doesn’t matter if you have Dan Fouts and Dan Marino (in their primes) as your starting QBs, you’ll only go as far as your running game takes you.
Odds to Win: 7-1
Odds to Finish in the Money: 4-1
Signature Player: Corey Dillon. Just when you thought Corey was the biggest hack this side of Terrell Davis, he comes through with a performance for the ages, reviving both the Bengals and Bob SR’s championship hopes (but, alas, not the Bengals’ championship hopes.)
Odds to Win: 7-1
Odds to Finish in the Money: 4-1
Signature Player: Rich Gannon. Between injured guys (Staley, Levens), and disappointments (Warrick, Alexander) it’s surprisingly reliable and consistent guys like Gannon that keep Greg in the hunt. Losing Faulk until Thanksgiving will hurt.
Odds to Win: 25-1
Odds to Finish in the Money: 8-1
Signature Player: Michael Pittman. Kurt Warner (when healthy,) Stephen Davis and Cris Carter are as solid and reliable as they come, but they can only do so much.
Odds to Win: 25-1
Odds to Finish in the Money: 10-1
Signature Players: Joey Galloway/Rocket Ismail//Jamal Anderson/Sebastian Janikowski.. Granted, not as fatal as losing Testaverde last year, but still pretty bad. Had these guys performed up to expectations the whole year, TONY very well might have a shot at the win, especially with Grbac becoming the second coming of Y.A. Tittle (and in K.C., no less – how did THAT happen?) As it is, still has a good shot at the Top 5, if the running game comes through.
Odds to Win: 25-1
Odds to Finish In the Money: 10-1
Signature Player: Mike Alstott. At his best, a solid, “rumblin’” workhorse back/touchdown machine who has inspired many a Chris Berman highlight clip; at worst, an unreliable “bumblin’, stumblin’, fumblin’” machine who can’t be relied on to carry a running game.
Long Hill Peteriots
Odds to Win: 25-1
Odds to Finish in the Money: 10-1
Signature Player: Terrell Davis. Shockingly useless until Week 10 of this year, he now appears to be back and ready to contribute. With injuries affecting many of the teams in front of him, Pete still hangs in there, and still refuses to fade away into the goodnight. (Just like with those wacky Landlords, right Pete?)
White Pete Panthers
Odds to Win: 99-1
Odds to Finish in the Money: 50-1
Signature Player: (tie) Bob Wickman/Andy Pettit. No Wickman, no Pettit, no pennant.
Odds to Win: 99,998-1
Odds to Finish in the Money: 99,995-1
Signature Player: Mike Anderson. Hey, guys, look at it this way: you weren’t keeping him next year at $31 anyway.
For the November sweeps period, ESPN has taped two special episodes of their popular game show “Two Minute Drill,” starring the Ameche League. The episodes will run sometime around Thanksgiving; however, we can now present this exclusive preview!
But before we begin, the Two Minute Drill is sponsored by the new game for Playstation 2: Ameche League 2001. This is the revolutionary NEW video game that is designed to give you the full Ameche League experience from all angles! Now you can:
Hey – if you can find Playstation 2 (no mean feat, natch!) it’s well worth the $49.95 list price!!!! And – if you like “Ameche League 2001” you’ll LOVE “McGhee 2K2: Derek’s Jolly Good Revenge” and “Not Ready 2K2: Get Pedro!” Coming March 2001!!!! (And hey – by then you should actually be able to get Playstation 2!!!” (At least, through “legitimate” channels.)
Now, let’s get to the show.
Panelists: (L to R) Bob JR, Bob SR, Kenny Mayne (Host), Todd, Black Pete.
Kenny Mayne: OK, welcome to the Two Minute Drill. The show that asks, “If you know sports, what would you rather have – a trip to Aspen or a chance at $200,000?” We now welcome the distinguished members of our panel, and we have special panelists for our Ameche League Week…First we present Bob JR, computer magnate, (applause) Bob what’s your connection to the show?
BCJ: Well, my wife works for the network, so I can’t play for money. But you knew that.
KM: Of course. Or else you would wipe the floor with us all, right? Just like with your fantasy club, right?
BCJ: Well, who would have thought I’d be starting Mark Brunell by default! Now if only I can get a running game.
KM: Have you asked Black Pete for Travis Prentice? I’m sure you could get him for something relatively trifling. Right, Pete?
BP: Hey, all he’s gotta do is ask? Does he still have Reidel Anthony?
KM: Anyway, our second panelist is Bob SR (applause) video retailer extrodinare, so Bob, how’s your team doing?
BCS: Hey, as Corey Dillon and Fat Ass go, I go! And as long as Chris Chandler is still standing upright, I figure I’ve got a shot.
BCJ: And, Pete, NO Chandler Bing jokes, please! It’s all done.
Almost like the whole thing with Wazzzzzzaaappppppp? Wazzzzaaaappp-eeeee!!!!
KM: Thanks a lot, Bob. Anyway, third up we have Todd (applause), three-time Berkshire League champion and defending Ameche League champion. Todd, what’s your family connection to Bob?
TA: Oh, Bob’s my brother-in-law
KM: Well, you certainly look like you’ve got the tools to make a run….I mean, Peyton Manning kicking some serious ass, and Emmitt is Emmitt…
TA: But am I gonna be able to reel in Tom? I mean, I can’t even be happy that Brad Johnson went down because he’s got Jeff George!
KM: True. But, still remember it IS Jeff George.
TA: Yes. Very true. But he’s still got Kordell Stew….oh, yeah, never mind.
KM: There you go. And, last but not least we have Black Pete. Now, Pete I gotta ask – it says here that you spent $10 on Plaxico (pronounced PLAX-i-co) Burress in the Draft because one of your friends at the NRTA sold him $4,000 worth of diamonds at a Pittsburgh area jewelry store. True?
BP: First of all Kenny, it’s PLEX-i-co, Burress. As in Mexico. And no, it’s not true.
KM: Oh, OK, cool.
BP: Her friend, sold PLEX-i-co $4,000 worth of stuff. And I don’t know if it was exactly $4,000, but it was in the ballpark. Also the fact that, hey, I drafted Joey Kent for $10 in ’96 another first round receiver who turned out just fine, so hey, maybe lightning strikes twice, right?
TONY: (off stage) Bob, he’s YOUR friend.
BCJ: No he’s not! Don’t pawn him off on me! He’s Bruce’s cousin!
BP: By the way Christian Fuamatu-Maafala, was also a regular customer
TA: If he was half as good as his name he’d be on the way to Canton. (says slowly) Fuamatu-Maafala….
BCS: Speaking of injured and useless running backs, has anyone seen Brucie?
BP: We tried calling his house, no answer so I left a message.
BCS: Oh, yeah, he’ll call back.
KM: Anyway, let’s get to the game. Our first contestant, is Craig and Craig, how’s your team going?
CD: Oh, pretty good. I mean, other than the fact that I hate Kevin Faulk and Mike Alstott…..but I am glad that Black Pete is giving me a shot to win $5,000 after only giving me two ^%$#@! lines in last year’s skit!
BP: Hey, Craig, what are friends for?
KM: OK, according to International Rules I must give you the topics that everyone has for you:
Bob JR: Pivotal Fantasy League Trades
Bob SR: 1995
Todd: Record-Setting Performances
Black Pete: Only I Would Know That
KM: Now, Craig, you know the rules, right, one point for each answer, if you get a question wrong or pass you have to move on to another contestant. Are you all set?
CD: Yeah, yeah, let’s just get to it!
KM: OK, Craig, your two minute drill, begins Now.
BCJ: In 1997 I, Bob JR, traded Reidel Anthony to an owner on this panel to get this Seahawk…
Chris Warren (1) Bob JR
BCJ: In 1994 Tom McDonald secured his first Ameche League title by trading for Stan Humphries and this Cleveland quarterback on the same night
CD: Ummm..Testaverde. (2) Back to Bob
BCJ: In 1998 White Pete traded this quarterback who turned out to be useless to Greg Fida for Jeff George
CD: Ummmm….Don’t know
KM: Brad Johnson
BCS: In 1995, thanks to this lanky left-hander I was able to beat TONY for the League Championship in Game 163
CD: Randy Johnson (3) Senior?
BCS: In 1995 Bob JR won the Ameche League championship, passing out which owner in the final week
CD: That would be me. (4) Thanks Bob, I always like being reminded of that. Senior.
BCS: In 1995 what late-night TV talk show host hosted the Academy Award ceremony for the first and only time?
CD: (ponders) Letterman? (5) Bob SR
BCS: In 1995 which Indianapolis quarterback went for a draft value of 32 after a furious….
CD: Erickson. (6) Senior, one more time!
BCS: In the 1995 AFC championship game which Colt narrowly missed catching a Hail Mary pass that would have given the Colts the AFC title?
CD: (ponders) Faulk? (No.)
KM: It was Aaron Bailey, and he’s done.
TONY: Thanks, Bob. Thanks for that.
BCS: Hey, you know what they say: the only good TONY is a dead TONY
TA: In Week 1 of 1994 which Dolphin QB….
CD: Dan Marino (7) Todd,
TA: In 1999 which receiver set a record for points in a week but was not started by his Ameche League owner.
KM: More specific.
CD: (ponders a sec) Qadry? (8) Todd?
TA: Which team’s defense set a weekly record for me, Todd, for highest….
CD: Denver Broncos (9). Todd?
TA: In the Ameche League,during what week in 2000 were records for the all-time High and Low scores for a week set?
CD: Week 8. (10) Todd, one more time?
TA: Who was the first owner in the history of the Ameche League to score over 200 points in a week?
CD: That would be me, Todd. (11 + 1 = 12) Thanks a lot, Todd, I really appreciate that!
KM: He’s done.
CD: Let’s go back to Junior.
BCJ: After not changing teams after being originally drafted, in 1997 this running back was traded to 3 different teams in 3 weeks.
CD: Chris Warren. (13). My boy! Junior, once more.
BCJ: On Thanksgiving morning in 1998 Bob SR traded this wide receiver to Tom McDonald for Kordell Stewart.
CD: (shakes head) Pass.
KM: James Jett. And he’s done.
CD: (hesitates for a moment)
KM: Sorry, Craig, you have to go with Pete.
CD: Aw, do I have to?
BP: (with relish) What was the name of Richie Cunningham’s older brother on Happy Days?
CD: Chuck (14) Ok, Pete
BP: What Archie comic book character shares a last name with a legendary Yankee Hall of Fame outfielder of the 50s and 60s?
(thinks) Jughead? (No.)
KM: Reggie Mantle.
CD: Oh, yeah, right. TONY did say he was the Chapins of Archie comics
BP: What jersey number did quarterback Sonny Sixkiller wear for the University of Washington in the 60’s?
CD: (thinks) Oh, who the frig is Sonny Sixkiller………I don’t know, six? (15) Cool! Pete?
What movie contained the line, “Your Ego is writing checks your body can’t
CD: Oh, Christ…..A Few Good Men? (NO)
KM: No, Top Gun
BP: Nobody ever gets that question right….OK, which Ameche League owner went 35 consecutive weeks between 1995 and 1997 without finishing with the high score for the week?
CD: That would be you, Pete. (16)
for a second.)
KM: OK, we’re done. So..….How’s the fam, Craig? Kids OK?
CD: Not bad, not bad…. Kids are great…
(Buzzer goes off, crowd applauds.)
KM: OK Craig, nice job. You managed to make it quite well through the Black Pete buzzsaw there and you finish with a score of 15, plus the one point for running the table on Todd’s question, which gives you a total of 16 points.
CD: Hey, not a bad day at the office!
KM: Well, historically that should be good enough to get you in the second round, and we’ll find out for sure after this….
Panelists this day: (L to R) Tom McDonald, Fred, TONY, Fida.
KM: OK, we’re back with today’s second round. As you know last night Craig did hold on to win the $5,000 but missed the Specialty question, so he’ll be back for our Quarterfinal tournament. Anyway, before we go onto the second round, let’s check in with our distinguished panelists, as we didn’t really have a chance to do that at the top of the show….Now, Tom, I see your team is looking real good here.
TM: Oh, yeah! Hey, it’s like a Drumstick cone….it starts great at the top, with Brad Johnson and Jeff Garcia, and just gets better and better. (lights up cigarette) So, where’s Lisa?
TM: Lisa. You know, Lisa Guerrero, the girl who has the Shaft and all that…
Fred: No, no, Tom, you’re thinking of that other show on that other network….
TM: Oh, yeah, right.
KM: And no smoking, Tom. You know that this is a non-smoking facility.
TM: Why? What’s gonna happen if I continue to…
(Suddenly, a loud series of buzzers go off, and (only) Tom gets “doused” by the studio’s sprinkler system; audience cracks up.)
TM: (sits, smirks….) OK, I’ll be back, I’m gonna go towel off (exits off stage)
(awkward silence for a few moments)
KM: While Tom gets himself “freshened up” lets bring out our “alternate”, whose team has absolutely nothing in common with Tom’s team but does share a mutual affection for the Redskins, let’s give it up for Walt!
(Walt enters, shakes hands with panelists, crowd applauds)
KM: So, Walt, how’s the team going?
WK: Well, other than the fact that our best running back plays on Black Pete’s team and the fact that Brett Favre is playing like he did in Atlanta just peachy!
TONY: By the way, Walt, we like Corona extra
Fida: And Rolling Rock. Don’t forget that.
WK: No problem, guys!
KM: Next we have Fred….now Fred looks like you and Mike are at a bit of a crossroads, what with Kurt Warner being out and all that. Do you think Jay Fiedler can carry the load?
FG: Sure! Although it would be nice if Michael Pittman and Cris Carter would be so kind as to “step it up” for the team!
TL: Hey, Fred, for Kurt Warner I’ll give you a package that will put you in contention for this year and years to come.
FG: OK, Tone, you have my attention, who are you thinking of?
TL: OK, I’ll give you Joey Galloway, Sebastian Janikowski….
FG: Yeah, right. I’ll see if Pete wants to get rid of Doug Pederson first then I’ll give you a call. (to Kenny) Anything else Kenny?
KM: Yeah. How’s Karl doing?
FG: (smiles) Karl is still the King, you know that. He IS King Smooth!
TL: Who the frig is Karl?
FG: Never mind, he’s just this dude I work with.
KM: Anyway, we move on to TONY….so TONE how is life going? How was your cruise to the Caribbean?
TL: Great! You know, we hit Carlos and Charlie’s in Cozumel, made a couple of paper cup skyscrapers…
how’s the team?
TL: Man, can’t get a break. Look at my team….you would think I would be better than fifth or sixth. I mean, who could be better than Testaverde, and Grbac, and Eddie George
KM: Well, TONE, Testaverde missed that whole game with a wrist injury, and Eddie George missed a game, and Sebastian Janikowski hasn’t exactly been the second coming of Jan Stenerud, his game against San Diego notwithstanding.
Black Pete (offstage): Or Pete Stoyanovich for that matter.
TL: Did you hear something?
KM: No, actually….but as I was saying, you’re kinda shaky, and you’ll miss The Rocket
TL: Yes I will.
KM: Anyway, last we have Greg…and Greg, must say the team is looking damn good! Even though you’re a little banged up, what with Faulk getting knocked out, and Levens is gonna be out for a spell, and Aikman out.
GF: True, but….I do have Flutie, and the ever-reliable stud Rich Ganim (sic)…
KM: Who’s that?
GF: The Raiders QB. Rich Ganim!
KM: No, no, no, Greg…Ganim, is the Mayor of Bridgeport and likely 2002 Democratic nominee for Governor of the State of Connecticut. You’re thinking of Rich Gannon!
GF: Right, whatever…All I know is, he’s gotta carry the team!
KM: OK, we’re now ready for Round 2. Mike, you’re down to White Pete 29-13 so you need a fairly big performance here. You know the drill, we just fire off questions at random, you don’t get to pick, for 2 minutes….You need a score of 30, to move on….Are you ready, Mike?
MM: As ready as I’ll ever be Kenny!
KM: OK….No smoking…and….Your two minute drill, begins, now.
Walt: In the 1980 Wimbledon finals who won the epic tie-breaker in the fourth set?
MM: John McEnroe? (14)
Fred: What jersey number did Joe Montana wear for the Kansas City Chefs?
MM: Sixteen (No.)
KM: Nineteen. (pause) In Peanuts what is Linus and Lucy’s last name?
MM: Van Pelt (15)
TONY: What did I, TONY, say to Black Pete just before the bidding closed on Tim Biakabatuka in 1997?
Ummm….”This is why you’ll always be known as Pete?” (No.)
KM: “Remember Craig Erickson.”
Fida: Whose team did I, Greg, take over before the 1998 season?
MM: Rod Latham’s (16)
Walt: Who is the only owner in Ameche League history to win more than one championship?
MM: Bob JR (17)
Fred: What jersey number did Jim Otto wear for the Oakland Raiders
MM: Double Zero. (18)
KM: Who were the last guys to show up at the Ameche League draft the last two years?
MM: (chuckles) That would be me and Fred, Kenny. (19)
FG: Hey, we had to work late!
TONY: Which current co-host of Access Hollywood was once a studio anchor for CBS’s NCAA Tournament and basketball telecasts?
MM: Pat O’Brien (20)
Fida: What cable TV network did Gilbert Gottfried do a series of promos for in the mid-1980’s
MM: MTV? (21)
Prior to moving to Milwaukee in 1970 what were the Milwaukee Brewers known as?
MM: Seattle Pilots (22)
Fred: Which male figure skater inspired a song in the movie “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut:”
MM: Brian Boitano (23)
KM: Who was the first player called out at the last two Ameche League drafts
MM: Steve McNair (No.)
KM: Mark Brunell.
TONY: Which NCAA Basketball team had their second place finish in the 1980 NCAA Tournament vacated?
Ummmm…University of Kansas? (No.)
TONY: Thanks a lot, Kenny.
Fida: On Saturday Night Live what late Spanish despot did Chevy Chase begin every Weekend Update by saying was still….
MM: Francisco Franco (24)
Walt: How many seasons did “The Munsters”…
Tom: (walks in, all dried off) OK, OK, I’m back!
KM: Hold on, hold on, stop the clock. Tom, we’re in the middle of a game here, buddy
Walt: No problem, I gotta go take a leak anyway. (hands Tom cards.) You guys want a beer or anything?
Panelists: (various requests for Corona, Sam Adams, etc.)
TM: OK, can we continue on please?
KM: Yeah. Resume drill
TM: How many seasons did “The Munsters” air on CBS-TV in the 60s?
MM: Two? (25) Cool!
Fred: What was the only movie for which John Wayne won an Oscar?
MM: Hey, I thought this was a sports game show?
FG: Dude, just answer the….
MM: True Grit (26)
KM: In 1998 what was the draft value for Randall Cunningham?
MM: One dollar (27)
TONY: Who was the last Heisman Trophy winner from UCLA?
Oh…..Mike Garrett? (No.)
KM: Gary Beban
Fida: In the Ameche League Expansion Draft of 1995 what owner took Bam Morris with the first pick?
MM: Scott. (28)
was the announcer on “Laugh-In”
MM: Gary Owens (29)
In 1994 who returned for his second tour of duty as host of “Family Feud?”
MM: Richard Dawson? (30)
the Howard Stern show what is Baba Booey’s real name?
MM: Gary Dell’Abate (31)
TONY: Who holds the Cincinnati Bengals record for…..(buzzer goes off, crowd applauds)
Mike, we didn’t get that last one, but the good news is you got 31 so with that
you win today’s matchup 31-29, and collect $5,000! (crowd applauds)
MM: Yeah baby! Whoo hoo! (pumps fists in air)
KM: And White Pete, that means we gotta say good bye to you….But don’t worry, Pete, we have some specialty muffins for you, plus you won the American League and made a damn good showing in the NL, so don’t look at me for pity!
WP: Yeah, but I’m sucking up in football! I mean, I got nothing! Tom Jones ain’t cutting it, and Tim Couch broke his wrist, and Jim Harbaugh is not the answer…..Oh, woe is me!
KM: Hey, you still got Tim Brown!
WP: Yeah, I guess…..And Chris Redman, he’ll be the starter in Baltimore soon.
KM: OK, Mike, congratulations on your win….and for you we have a special Experience prize, we’re sending you to…well, lets’ see, the “Day with Mike and Fred at Photronics” is out, so we can’t do that….Oh yeah here we go….spend a day at the Windsor Post Office with TONY, where you’ll get to observe TONY in his element, sorting mail, chewing out the union stewarts, studying his fantasy league notes to see who he’ll try to steal – I mean, trade for from Black Pete…so that’s cool
MM: Yeah, it is. Not as cool as a trip to Houston to Enron Field, like I asked for, but still, pretty cool.
KM: OK, well, this is also very cool. We’re going to try to play for 10,000 big ones….now you selected as your specialty “The Ameche League: Goin’ Bicentennial” And here is your question …..
In the history of the Ameche League, the 200 point weekly threshold has been met or exceeded a total of 5 times. For 10,000 dollars….I want you to tell me the following:
MM: (ponders….) The first owner to meet the threshold was Craig Durgy.
KM: A true statement.
MM: (wipes sweat from brow) Bob SR holds the record, he scored 221 earlier this year.
KM: Also true. (pause.) Now we need the five owners
MM: Well, Craig and Bob SR did it…….Todd?
KM: True. Two more.
MM: OK, Craig, Bob SR, Todd…..Fida?
KM: Also true.
MM: And then…..I’m going back and forth, it wasn’t us, I know that, and…Bob JR?
KM: (pause) Yeah, Bob JR has had a couple of good years…..but you know who else went bicentennial on your ass two….
MM: (deep sigh) Oh, yeah, Tom McDonald.
KM: Hey, don’t feel bad, you still got 5,000 dollars and you’ll be back for the quarterfinals.
MM: Hey, you realize that that’s more than we’d win in the league! How about that?
guess this makes up for Kurt Warner, eh Mike?
MM: Hell yeah! Who’s better than me!
KM: Today, no one. Good job Mike. Until then , see you next time on the Drill!
TONY: Come on, Mike, Joey Galloway’ll be great next year! Plus you don’t exactly need the money now! And what’s Kurt Warner gonna do for you? I can give you Testaverde, he ain’t exactly chopped liver…..Hey, he’s good! I’ll also hook you up when you come to the Post Office this spring! And what’s more…..
Cousin Brucie: (rushes in) Hey, guys, I finally made it! When are we starting?
White Pete: No, we’re done. All set
CB: But, I came as soon as I heard…
TONY: Oh, no, we left you a message Bruce, but you never called us back! We were gonna tell you we were all set but
MM: Yeah, and we called to and wanted to traded you Kurt Warner for Akili Smith but I see that you already traded him to Fida so it’s off of the table!
KM: Hey, Bruce, other than that how’s the fam?
CB: Oh, yeah, doin’ great, kids are doing good, Vikings kicking ass, whos better than me?
MM: Uh, Bruce (flips a $5,000 wad of twenties)
CB: Aw man! That’ll teach me….
(Fade to NFL Prime Time)